Things That Happen During Sex You Won’t Read in Romance Novels

I love romance novels. I love that the sex is always mind-blowing, the woman always comes first and the man is always genuinely concerned with her pleasure, unless of course, he’s overcome with desire and just – to quote Sarah from SBTB.com – pounding away like a poundy thingy. And even then, our stalwart heroine is going to like it.

So I was sitting around, working on a romance novel about a married couple who is trying to find that spark again (Laura & Trent’s book in case you were wondering) and I got to thinking about married sex. The kind of sex that Jeff Foxworthy jokes about when he says I know the combination to my wife’s safe.

So because I’m probably going to use some of this in a book someday (maybe sooner than later if my editor doesn’t kill me first) here’s a list of things that you’ll probably never read in a romance novel.

- she’s kissing her way down his happy trail…only to get some of the happy trail stuck in her teeth

- leg cramps from too much pounding away like a poundy thingy

- who are you and why does my ass hurt

- queefing (I have no idea how to actually spell that and neither does my spellcheck apparently)

- honey, I’m going to come fast

- don’t come yet

- take that out of my ass

- you want to put what where?

- yes, i’ll blow your whistle but have you showered recently? as in today?

- what is that smell?

- what’s that? the cat. it’s staring at us. judging quietly.

- that isn’t your finger is it? nope. Where’s the dog?

- did you take the trash out?

- cat hair on his tongue while he’s going down…there

What are some other things that you’ll never read in a romance novel.

14 comments for “Things That Happen During Sex You Won’t Read in Romance Novels

  1. BIll
    May 22, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    I think you need to check on some of your spelling.

  2. Jessi Gage
    August 18, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    Here's the lube. I'm going back to sleep.
    Love the "don't leak on the sheets" and the forelorne look at the tissue box…way over there.

  3. August 17, 2012 at 8:58 pm

    LOL! These are AWESOME!

  4. August 17, 2012 at 4:10 pm

    The dog. Oh, good gravy yes. My poor little pooch is so old now that she just sleeps through it all. Very determinedly sleeps through.

  5. Deb Sanders
    August 17, 2012 at 11:47 am

    You nailed it! I'm laughing and snorting at the same time. One of these days you should discuss "senior" sex. That's a whole 'nother category!

  6. Becky
    August 17, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Oh My! I am dying laughing here. Unfortunately, when you are older and married for a long time as I have been, some of these are sadly true.

  7. guest
    August 17, 2012 at 10:08 am

    Wheres the box of kleenex? DID YOU LOCK THE DOOR? Don't leak on the sheets. Shoot I wet the bed!

  8. Janet Lee Nye
    August 17, 2012 at 8:53 am

    Negotiating location of the, you know, the spot.

  9. Kim
    August 16, 2012 at 10:58 pm

    Seriously. That's it. You're finished?

  10. lillie80
    August 16, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    Having the tv on to block any noise that the kids may hear and getting the giggles over something Stewie said on Family Guy while he pounds like a poundy thing.

  11. lisoo
    August 16, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    Jessica, I am falling off my chair laughing. We have listened to JF so many times and this bit will have us crying from laughter still every time. Thanks for making me laugh so hard. :-) I am sooo looking forward to Trent & Lauras story and if you used some thing like this, it would be fantastic, I am sure. I love a good laugh in my romance reading.

  12. August 16, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    As a follow up to the Trash Question – Well why didn't you take the trash out? :)

  13. Melody May
    August 16, 2012 at 10:18 pm

    LOL! I think you covered them.

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