I love romance novels. I love that the sex is always mind-blowing, the woman always comes first and the man is always genuinely concerned with her pleasure, unless of course, he’s overcome with desire and just – to quote Sarah from SBTB.com – pounding away like a poundy thingy. And even then, our stalwart heroine is going to like it.
So I was sitting around, working on a romance novel about a married couple who is trying to find that spark again (Laura & Trent’s book in case you were wondering) and I got to thinking about married sex. The kind of sex that Jeff Foxworthy jokes about when he says I know the combination to my wife’s safe.
So because I’m probably going to use some of this in a book someday (maybe sooner than later if my editor doesn’t kill me first) here’s a list of things that you’ll probably never read in a romance novel.
- she’s kissing her way down his happy trail…only to get some of the happy trail stuck in her teeth
- leg cramps from too much pounding away like a poundy thingy
- who are you and why does my ass hurt
- queefing (I have no idea how to actually spell that and neither does my spellcheck apparently)
- honey, I’m going to come fast
- don’t come yet
- take that out of my ass
- you want to put what where?
- yes, i’ll blow your whistle but have you showered recently? as in today?
- what is that smell?
- what’s that? the cat. it’s staring at us. judging quietly.
- that isn’t your finger is it? nope. Where’s the dog?
- did you take the trash out?
- cat hair on his tongue while he’s going down…there
What are some other things that you’ll never read in a romance novel.