I don’t make friends easily. I don’t say that as a way to ask for pity or a way to seek sympathy, it’s simply how I’m hard wired. I’ve learned some hard lessons about trust over the years and well, people who have supposedly been my friends haven’t been. I’m cautious about who I let into my life and even more who I allow into the circle of trust.
I’m watching my oldest daughter struggle with friends at school. She sees some of the girls who are super popular and she sometimes feels left out. And I don’t know how to show her that hey, not having a million friends is okay. It’s actually good because ask any of those people who seem to have a lot of friends who would be there in the middle of the night for an emergency. I bet the answer is significantly smaller than their circle.
Oh how I remember the feeling of being on the outside. I’m still not a member of the cool kids club. I’ve got many associates, many people I’m friendly with but there are only a few people who would drive to Austin in the middle of the night to bring my an overnight bag when my kid is in the hospital. Or who would check on my mom during an emergency. Or who wash your laundry when you can’t. Or who would come to my hotel room in the middle of an epic meltdown. Or let me whine while I figure out my next step and offer advice and refuse to let me wallow in my own self pity.
Those are the people I count as friends. Not people who make me feel bad for my beliefs. Not people who try to tear me down. As my daughter grows, the one thing I hope to teach is that if someone doesn’t love you for who you are, they’re not worth your time or effort. If they can’t forgive you when you screw up, they’re not worth the emotional energy. If they don’t like your clothes or your hair, screw them. They’re not worth it.
The older I get, the more I am picky about who I allow into my emotional space. I know that sounds hokey or new agey but it’s really true. I’m not perfect and anyone who expects me to be isn’t a real friend. It’s sad when people leave your life either because you put them out or because they chose to leave but at the end of the day, I’m okay with that. I can’t be all things to all people. But I can be a good friend.
Real friends are those people who are there with you when things are good. They catch you when you stumble. They love you even when you say something thoughtless or hurtful and they love you enough to tell you when you’re an ass.
It is a tough lesson to teach our children, but I think the best way to do it is by our actions.
I too have a very small group of good friends, we know just ask and its done. I burst into tears when a friend arrived at my Dad's funeral – a 5 hour drive for her.
The people you choose to have in your life will be a great role model for your daughters and as they age that is what they will strive for – the thru thick and thin friends.
My daughter is in the same place. She has a handful of great friends, but has others who come around as they are bored or just need something (like a ride now that she is 16). I think she is good most of the time with just having that handful, but then something will happen and one of those sometimes friends will blow her off and then post on FB that they are doing something else. It devastates her. I was the same in high school and now have an AMAZING group of friends that I know I can call on anytime and they will drop whatever they are doing to help me out as I would do the same for them.
I think it is so unfortunate that with social media these days, so many kids feel like the number of friends they have equals their worth in society when in fact, that couldn't be further from the truth. I have more facebook "friends" than who actually count as my real friends. Most of my facebook "friends" are just acquaintances and individuals I network with for employment purposes and I try not to compare where I am in my life right now with their situations. It is sometimes difficult but for the most part, I focus on my real friends, that small circle who know me better than anyone else.
When I was in high school, I had a toxic friend who remained in my life until I was halfway through grad school. I finally figured out what I was letting her do to me and finally cut her out of my life and I am so much happier for it. My mom had warned me about this particular friend from early on, but as the typical teenager, I dismissed her views as being out of touch. I wish I had listened to her back then. I wish kids would learn from our mistakes and experiences and understand that it really is quality over quantity that matters in most things in life. I have a very small circle of close friends with only one that lives within 100 miles of me, but still, those friends would do anything for me and I would do anything for them. These friends are ones that I can lose touch with but then contact again and it is as if no time has passed at all and the same goes for them with me.
I hope that your daughter learns from your example and your advice. It is so important that we surround ourselves with supportive and genuine people who will endure through everything life can throw at you.